Since I was young, I always have felt I was ‘destined for greatness’. Despite the roadblocks and setbacks I encountered through life, my aspirations have been lofty as ever–even if slightly unrealistic. I credit it to being a daydreamer. I gravitate toward articles featuring female CEOs, athletes, celebrities, and politicians. I draw inspiration from women overcoming adversity in male-dominated fields, advocating for equal pay, demanding programs to empower other women. That’s what lights my fire; I read and tell myself, ‘now, that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to make an impact.’

I feel as a woman there is a unique kind of pressure to strive for this carefully-curated lifestyle–you know the type. The ‘influencer’ life. The mother who not only gets her kids to school on time, but packs them adorably-arranged homemade lunches each day. The artist with a studio full of projects waiting to be sold for clamoring fans. The athlete who collects gold medals while wearing those perfectly-matching sweat-wicking outfits and a ponytail that magically stays in place.

Setting high expectations for ourselves; it’s a great thing! I have accomplished personal successes for myself that didn’t even fall within those daydreams–becoming a martial artist wasn’t exactly part of the ‘big plan’. But I noticed that with each little interest in life I began to explore, my goal was complete mastery of that new hobby or venture. I took classes in web design which led to visions of creating my own web consulting business. I became involved in volunteering with a local organization and knew immediately that I someday would become that organization’s President. Martial arts? I still have fantasies of me knocking out Mackenzie Dern in the Octagon (despite my avoidance of striking classes at all costs).

Can’t Get No Satisfaction

I am sure many people in my life would agree that I am an impressive, successful young woman. I wonder–do they know how many times I have had a complete mental breakdown over it ‘not being enough’? Or how sustaining every little passion project leaves me so drained of energy that I consider quitting it all, selling all my belongings, and isolating myself in a campsite far away from civilization? One of those… meltdowns (a seemingly minor one in comparison to my history of meltdowns) happened just a week ago.

I have been overtraining. Massively. To the point I actually have been hiding from people how frequently I’ve been exercising because I knew they would advise me to take a break. I didn’t want to hear that I should take rest days. Sitting still makes me feel unproductive. I’m trying to become a badass–I should be able to push through the pain, right? I wanted to be able to run, lift, grapple all in the same day, and repeat that routine back-to-back so I could look like the UFC stars I idolize. Meanwhile, I have a task list to whittle through at my desk job (y’know, the one that gives me an income to support all these fun activities?), online classes are starting up for spring term, and I’m trying to find a way to stay awake for date night with my boyfriend so I can actually enjoy a dinner & movie away from the stress of trying to become a real-life superwoman. Anyway, here I am, icing my shin splints and nursing tendonitis in my wrists because I overestimated the amount of pain my body can take without a break. 

Is this all really necessary? Surely the average human would be more than satisfied with just having a stable job and someone to love. Why have I transformed the things I love doing into daily chores?

Running on Empty

The concept of ‘having it all’–I want to say that it’s bullshit, that it’s totally fake and anyone who claims they have their life together is a liar. But… I don’t necessarily think it’s impossible. I can’t sit here and say that I don’t have an amazing life. I have worked incredibly hard to build it, and I’ve invested vast amounts of energy in the things that bring me joy–with equivalent results. But there’s always a push & pull (could I make this into a Judo analogy? Perhaps). We have infinite potential paired with a finite amount of energy. Going into a new school semester isn’t the best time to ramp up training for a competition. If I want to spend more time at the gym, scaling back on my volunteer commitments is a necessity. 

I think about it as different dial settings on a sound mixer. Not everything can take center stage in our lives, by definition… otherwise our energy is naturally going to be spread thin across the board. I do want to grow these various little parts of my life. I want to develop as a martial artist, and a career woman, and a web designer, volunteer, snowboarder… but my fire is dying down. My body reinforced that discovery. My legs seize up while I walk. I oversleep my alarms. So even if my physical limitations have forced me to turn down the dial on certain parts of my life… I am learning that this is something I need to do for myself before my health takes a hit. Leaving my job, leaving BJJ… that’s not an option for me. But I’ve stepped down from leadership with my volunteer organization. I’m hanging up the running shoes for a while. I have a summer to look forward to with zero online classes. I thought it would kill me to not try to be the best at everything. It’s more apparent now that trying to do everything was exactly what was killing me.

Driving toward every passion of mine is what sparks my creativity and motivates me to achieve. I still don’t feel I need to abandon any of these dreams. At some point, I’m sure I will run into a wall with BJJ and feel like spending more of my time somewhere else. I don’t see my tendency to raise my hand for everything going away. But for now I’m going to practice restraint, giving my best for the areas of my life that I do need to prioritize, and remembering that I can always have it all… later.