If there is one thing I learned from the months of isolation brought on by the COVID-19 crisis, it is that there are elements of my life that I was able to abandon without a second thought… and others that I realized were essential to me. Though I joke often about the pains and frustrations of jiu jitsu, without it… I become miserable. I have grown so fond of its infinite strings of possibilities and the pleasure of discovering the puzzle pieces I have been missing.

Despite restrictions laid out due to COVID-19 guidelines, I had the ability to practice with my training partner and boyfriend, Tim, almost daily throughout the summer on gym mats in his backyard, doing everything we could to keep improving our techniques. Once we first began those drills it transformed my mood. It was the part of each day I looked forward to, a small shred of normalcy in the surreal, movie-script disaster plot we all were forced into.

Moving beyond backyard BJJ

As a schoolteacher, Tim was able to dedicate his entire schedule to strength & conditioning as well as BJJ, and when Tap Cancer Out announced that they were looking for an opponent at his rank & weight class, he jumped at the opportunity and competed in the Connecticut Sub-Only Showcase in August. It was then that I knew–I was ready from a fitness standpoint to get back into the game, and the opportunity to do so for a charitable cause strengthened my motivation. I was completely inspired.

My matchup for the Massachusetts Sub-Only Showcase was announced on October 13, more than a month before the competition date. The only change I had to make in my training plan was to ensure I would be on weight for the competition weekend, and continue to get as much mat time as possible to prepare. I was training BJJ roughly 5 days per week, plus alternating running, cardio circuits, and bodyweight routines for overall fitness. I was on track!

My biggest concern? The last time I’d actually faced a real opponent was over 9 months earlier… before a global pandemic changed everything about our sport. Gyms were forced to close for a time period, and even once facilities began reopening I found myself limited with fewer training partners, less freedom to travel or sit in seminars, it seemed like left and right various event promoters were forfeiting plans in order to shift their event dates later and later. I was able to enter a Grappling Industries event in late October as my means to shake off the cobwebs and remember what the competitive side of jiu jitsu felt like. Unfortunately, I left that tournament more humble than empowered. I gassed myself out early, I let anxiety rule my head, and the entire day became a blur of trying to survive to make it to the next match. 

Wait, isn’t this supposed to be fun?

However, I learned a crucial lesson that day that I was able to hold onto… in the middle of that tournament, I told myself, ‘just have fun’. I wasn’t going to think about getting the win. It wasn’t about trying to prove myself or get a medal. I entered a mindset of enjoying my experience getting to grapple with talented women at my level–and my performance improved immensely.

Heading into the final weeks before the match, I encountered little worries and woes that would send me spiraling. I had knee pain that inhibited my mobility so much I could barely even drill techniques let alone practice live rolling. Against my desires, I rested up and it completely resolved itself (who would have thought that would work, right?), but then I was pulling my hair out over my weight. Even though I comfortably walk around close to 138-140lbs, I was weighing myself every chance I got during the day and agonizing over calories and water intake. I could not stand the thought of embarrassing myself by missing weight after working my ass off for this.

But let’s be real. The only stress that was a valid concern was making sure my BJJ was on par with my opponent. And come November 21, all that was left for me to do was show her everything I’ve got.

Game day

Health precautions were followed to the highest standard. If you weren’t about to start your match, you were waiting out in your car until it was your time to shine.

• Weigh-ins, check. 
• Chug a Gatorade, half a jug of water, inhale a couple protein bars, check. 
• Blasting music for an hour and frantically texting friends to watch the live-stream, check. 
• Braid my hair and remember to take my nose ring out, check.
• Oh, and put on a mask and get my temperature taken before going into the venue… check.

You can watch the video… but spoiler alert: I did not come out on top. Out the gate, I channeled an aggressive energy ready to wrestle; then shocker–I pulled guard to try for inside control on bottom. And I’m not sure I’ve ever pulled guard in a competition, but after drilling it the past couple weeks, I knew I had to go for it and my instinct was right, because once she got me inside her guard, she excelled at controlling my posture and forcing me to work for a pass. With a kneebar she secured the win, bringing this little quest to its official end.

Wow. All of that for a participation medal? Not if you ask me. I faced a huge insecurity of mine by taking on a new challenge and put myself on a channel to have every teammate, friend, and family member of mine watch me at my favorite sport. Not to mention… I raised $2,628 for cancer-fighting causes along the way. I wanted that win so badly, but this only means I’ll have to keep training like I mean it. Because the next time I hit that mat, I want to be the one bringing home gold.

Photography by Perry G Photography

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Thank you for supporting me in this pursuit of finding joy in competitive grappling. Do you remember your first big match?