The week of February 22 – 28, 2021 is recognized as National Eating Disorders Awareness Week by the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA).

*Content warning: the following post discusses disordered eating & exercise habits.

If you are concerned about yourself or a loved one, you can find support, resources, and treatment options via the NEDA Helpline at 1 (800) 931-2237.

Hopping into the shower after a workout this week, a distant memory flooded my mind… a coworker from years back, complimenting me on how great I looked, asking, ‘did you lose weight?!’. I lost a significant amount–and it changed my entire appearance; from the way my clothes fit to my facial features. I remembered another woman in the gym’s locker room, gushing about my progress. It was almost like living in one of those makeover shows where everyone praised me for my transformation.

Of course, they had no way of knowing I ate only one or two small meals each day. That when I got home from work, I was moving around constantly in an attempt to burn more calories, then taking sleeping pills so I would fall asleep before growing too hungry.

I wasn’t strong, athletic, or healthy. I just weighed less.

No one means any harm when they comment on something like that, assuming weight loss is always a positive thing. In my case… yeah, it was my goal, but it was severely misguided and those comments only ignited that desire to lose, lose, lose.

My extreme new diet & exercise habits allowed me to gain control over my life when I felt boxed in–by my career, by my financial woes, by my (lack of) social connections. Navigating life as a recent college grad with limited resources stifled my dreams about the future, and crushed my enjoyment of the present. But the one area I could dictate… was how I treated my body.

Unattainable goals

I was in a competition with myself, seeing just how far I could push my limits. How long I could go without food before ‘caving in’. Putting in hours at the gym before feeling too faint to go on. This disordered behavior went on for months before I was able to work toward a career change and move to a new city. I wanted to start reaching toward those goals I never thought possible. I held onto hope that I could do it all; have a stimulating work-life, make meaningful friendships, explore all the activities and interests I had been curious about.

When I began jiu jitsu, I was out of my element in every sense of the word–but the sport awakened me to an entirely new way of viewing my body. I began caring less about the pounds, and more about being strong, technical, agile. More than ever before, I needed my body to perform, not fall within certain numbers on a scale. I needed fuel to succeed. Meals now had to power me through grueling training sessions.

Function over form

Falling in love with the look of muscle tone on my body was a revolutionary experience. I needed to size up leggings to make room for my powerhouse thighs. My parts were no longer decorative pieces that I needed to keep dainty & petite. Together, they formed a machine capable of sustaining a small woman in a combat sport.

I wish I could state simply that beginning my journey in jiu jitsu cured my relationship with my eating disorder–it’s far more complicated than that. I still have periods of obsession, I still agonize over the labels of weight classes and tend to be apprehensive about clothing sizes. Undoing the years of bullying myself may be a lifelong struggle–but I am prepared to spend the rest of my life healing.

I wonder how society as a whole can encourage this nourishing approach to the fitness industry. I think it would have been helpful to hear positive feedback about my body’s performance–keeping up pace at those spin classes I took, increasing the weights I was able to lift. Something that had nothing to do with shrinking myself. I wonder if more advertisements boasting increased strength & stamina instead of a smaller jeans size would keep people motivated to achieve holistic wellness regardless of their weight.

Over time, I learned that the human mind is endlessly complex and that disordered eating & exercise habits are a product of mental dysfunction—not ‘healthy habits gone too far’. There was never going to be a number on the scale I would be happy with, a weight that would finally allow me to live ‘normally’. Ultimately, my road to recovery began with gaining control over the rest of my life. I had to experience the difference between destructive weight loss & the benefits of nourishing myself for my sport. Moving forward, I’m working hard to give my body the treatment it deserves. And as I stay mindful of this practice, I find myself closer to becoming the woman of my dreams.

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How did your attitude toward nutrition & exercise transform as you began training? What practices help you maintain a positive self-image?